The Beginning

For the sake of secrecy, I am going to call myself TigerQueen. Which is interesting, because if anybody does end up reading this blog, they will come to know me better than most people who know my real name do.
I am a college student, and I am at what some might call a cross roads. At least, I was a year ago, and was coming out of it now.
Some horrible things happened to me in 2009. I had a 'manic episode', was involuntarily admitted to the psych ward, came out only to be shoved into therapy accompanied by medication, and basically my life was in pieces.
I was in love with a boy. Surprise surprise. It always leads back to a boy, doesn't it? Well, there was this boy and I was in love and I thought he was and even today I'm not a hundred percent sure he wasn't. Either way, things got weird (my fault) and I was unhealthily obsessed and this drove me crazy and thats how the whole psych ward admittance happened.
Anyway, after that episode, I really didn't know who I was anymore. Was I really just some crazy bipolar lady who was slated to go through the rest of her life with 'CRAZY' tattooed in big letters across her forehead?
Was there something deeper?
Was a part of me trying to come out?
I really didn't know. And that is where my journey really started.
I took up a lot of things that year. I started playing the sitar, I got my first internship at a newspaper, and I began to delve into the tarot. I took a class, and I will not mention my tarot tutor's name or post her notes online, nor will I give out any of her intellectual property (the stuff I paid to have access to) out online.
But the fact is, my life is starting to change. Now Tarot can either be a big part of it, or a small part of it.
Maybe this is a passing fancy. Maybe this is something that will come to have greater importance in my life.
I am a person of extremes and obsessions and I analyse and over-think and get caught up in pipe dreams and I wear myself out and I'm always worrying, always looking back, always cringing at my past, always agonising over the future, always scared, never in the moment. Maybe this has always been me or maybe this is just me recently.
What I do know about me is that I come into and go out of obsessions very frequently. What stay with me are the regrets, the hurt, the failure, the loss - what go are the lessons and the answers and the growth.
I need to be more like the Fool. The Fool is my icon - at least for now, this might change over the next few years, months, days, minutes. What I also need to do is allow my experiences to become me, and try and not let myself control the experiences. I need to do what the Fool would do.
And maybe this is me negating the whole principle of the Fool. Because by obsessing and forcing myself to be like the Fool I am not being like the Fool. The Fool just IS the Fool, the Fool never TRIED to BECOME the Fool.
Either way.
In one sense I am like the Fool. In a negative way. I get bored very easily and move on from one project to another like a dazed butterfly. I never complete anything. And maybe this blog will end after the third post. Maybe. I don't know.
This blog is me talking about my life and my journey out of the woods (its like I'm in Dante's Inferno). And I hope tarot will help me through that journey.
I will post my readings (the ones I do for myself) on this blog, talk about my spirituality in general, and maybe post some more mundane stuff about life.
This blog is my new therapy.
I will remain nameless, but if you actually end up reading this, you will know me like you were my best friend.
Let this begin.